Season of the Ditch

I should have known when I woke up at 2am and couldn’t get back to sleep that it wasn’t going to be a fun day.

I’ve never driven myself to Rochester, although I’ve been there several times. I never would have made it there without GPS, because there is no real straight-shot from my house. Having said that, GPS was an absolute nightmare, because it takes me on the most twisty backwoods-hillbilly route that it can possibly come up with, in the interest of saving two minutes.

And it’s foggy.

And it’s very hilly (everyone from this area is saying DUHHHHH right now).

And the deer are absolutely ridiculous in the throes of the yearly rut. They’re running about, willy-nilly, having a fabulous time (jerks), while I attempt to keep up with my not-running-well -in the-boonies GPS, which is giving me a 30 second heads-up on any and all turns I’m making. I’m going 45mph, pissing off the locals, down the hellishly curving roads of rural Wisconsin and Minnesota, whilst also dodging overly-zealous, four-legged crepuscular mammals like some fucked up backwoods Frogger.

Didn't your momma teach you to stay out of the road? Oh yeah, she's probably dead.

I find out in short enough time that the cherry on top of all this shit pile is there is construction completely blocking the way the damn GPS brings me into town. I’m going to be late. Despite leaving 45 minutes early, I’m already running late. I haaaaaaate being late. I end up being 25 minutes late, because I had to park six blocks away and hoof it to the building - the parking ramp was full when I passed it in my car, but it had room once I walked up to the building! Yay!

Question for the people living up here with me: Why in the name of Baby Jesus do they start *massive* road-construction projects seemingly just before the snow flies? I mean, we've had snow in October, and we haven't gotten any yet (knock on wood), but I have never understood why they break ground on these giant projects in mid-late October. Just wondering, I digress.

At least we can see the tops of the barrels above the snow. Usually.

Ok - bitchy moment - I’m really sorry to my nurse friends out there, but the next cocky-ass nurse who thinks she knows the body I’ve been living in for 36+ years better than I do is going to get throat-chopped. I’ve been poked so many fucking times I *KNOW* which veins are going to roll, I *KNOW* that you’re not going to get a good stick there, and I *KNOW* that you think you know better. Listen, I understand that you have little tricks of the trade that work on some people. You need to understand that I’ve been a pincushion for cocky jerks like you for too long, so when I give you a vein, TAKE IT. Seriously, bitches, stop. Throat-chopped. Gonna do it.

Not kidding...

Dear Guy Wandering the MRI Waiting Area in Scrubs (like the rest of us);

SIT THE FUCK DOWN. You’re putting me on edge and I’m already a mushroom-cloud layin’ motherfucker. I realize you might also be having some anxiety issues, but you’re not helping anyone pacing like that.

Ok...reality check: Why am I so angry? First of all, I’m starving. Naturally I’m not allowed to eat before the MRI. I generally only eat once per day (I have serious food issues), HOWEVER: When you tell me I can’t eat? Suddenly I’m ravenous, and I’ll eat just about anything - even if it’s a trigger food. So I show up to my MRI 45 minutes early, in the hopes that they can get me back there faster, and thus food in my face sooner.

No such luck.

They eventually did call me back, and I got my IV port installed (this is where I had my run-in with Nurse McCocky), and I’m sitting there listening to my stomach rumble, knowing that I can take down at least three of the people in the waiting room for their soft bits. Don’t mess with this chick when she’s hungry. I’m constantly scanning the room for weaknesses, I have culinary knowledge, I always carry at least one knife with me (it’s a Leatherman, but still), and I like my steaks rare. Watch it.

I would *destroy* this, when normally I can't finish half

Second reason could be a recent medication change. I need to try to relax, which I know I’ll do once I’m in the MRI room, but while I’m in the waiting area, I’m just completely on edge. My psychiatrist cut my seroquil by 200 mg (down to 400 mg/night) and it’s been just over a week. Since she lowered it, she indicated that I would want to blame all of my stress/anger on that - and I am definitely feeling effects. I’ve been quite calm for several months, but I don’t want to be on *all* of the medication that I’m on (which is a LOT). Blaming it on the medication is so much easier than admitting that I’m an asshole with anger/impulse control issues. My doc tells me not to be too hard on myself, because I have so much going on right now, the two biggest being starting the stem-cell research project and all that’s required of me there, and me changing my meds. In addition to my psychiatrist telling me that I’m going to be facing some significant stress coming up, the colo-rectal surgeon echoed her nearly verbatim. With two doctors telling me I need to keep my head cool during the next few months...I guess I should try to follow doctor’s orders, hey?

Drugs are a helluva drug

I’m trying to keep my head cool, and they call “Jillian” (eye roll). I don’t know why I get comfortable in the embrace of an MRI machine, but as long as it’s a basic MRI with no breath holds (or - God forbid - any freaking balloons), I can easily close my eyes and completely check out. It’s even better when they give me music, but I’ve been known to try to dance in the machine. Pro tip - they tend to frown on that.

No freakin' balloons.

Anyway - the MRI was completely straightforward and boring (no complaints from me), and I was shocked that the surgeon had the results by the time I got to his office mid-afternoon. Pretty much, the plan is in fact to move forward with the study (it’s officially official, I’ve signed paperwork), and I’m having what I’m referring to as my “little” surgery on November 8 (The Day of the Impending Apocalypse). The surgeon is going to take a belly-fat biopsy to give to the lab nerds so they can grow my stem cells. Then he’s going to do an Exam Under Anesthesia (they capitalize it, so I figure it’s super important). I casually mentioned to the doc that last year, he had mentioned something about taking out my existing band and putting in a larger seton (read: rubberband butt piercing), and he looked at me and shrugged and gave me the most sanguine, serene face and nodded, saying “yeah, probably”.

What's going through my head...

I didn’t mean to remind you, doc. I wasn’t like...looking forward to a bigger rubberband, not that I’m judging anyone that would like a larger rubberband.

That’s all kinds of inappropriate jokes if you didn’t catch it.

So - while y’all are voting (for the love of vaginas, get out there and vote), I’m going to be having fun Under Anesthesia. I’ll be home the same night, and I’m sure I’ll want to facebook while I’m still Under (effects of) Anesthesia, so that’ll be good times I’m sure.

I'm also going to release the link of my gofundme page now. I'd like as much time as possible to allow for collection, especially because of the holidays. I love all of you! I appreciate all that you do for me, because you all contribute already to my recovery and well-being! More love!

Stem-cell Jill Help :)

xxxxoooooxxxxxooooooxxxx