Nerves of Incapacitation

So...as a ton of you know, I’m having my second surgery on December 15.

I’m terrified.

Normally, surgery doesn’t scare me. It used to, but I’ve had *so* many since 2009 as well as colonoscopies (which you’re essentially asleep for) that I’m accustomed to the process. Honestly? I can’t even *tell* you how many of each I’ve had at this exact moment, without serious thinking about it. Brain damage, what can I say?

I’m not actually scared of the process - that’s not unknown territory - but I’m scared that the procedure will *fail*. I’m still having issues that have been going on fairly steadily since June of 2015...WARNING: GROSS ADMISSION AHEAD……

Don't say I didn't warn you...

Still with me? Ok. The seton (rubberband) is in place to keep the wound open, because if there’s still pus being produced, it would just start the whole process over again when they would sew shut the abscess/fistula; the pus would collect, with intense, mind-bending pain, and more surgeries.

There is still pus being produced from mine as we speak. It’s not a ton, but it’s enough that I’m worried that this won’t take, and I’ll just end up sick and back in the hospital for surgery to take *out* the plug that they’re inserting on the 15th, and subsequently I’m out of the study.

That would be greatly saddening to me. Since I don’t have children, I thought that being one of the original twenty people to start the research for other body parts that could be healed by their own stem-cells would be an actual *legacy* that I can leave behind. Maybe that’s my purpose on this earth - to help others in ways that others might be too weak to handle (not to say that I’m 100%, because I most certainly am not).

I want to help others with this study. That’s been the whole point the whole time for me, and if it doesn’t take, I will be devastated. I’ve waited over a year prepping for this surgery, trying to get my body as healthy as possible as quickly as possible, and I’ve made strides. I would say the biggest one is the fact that I quit smoking on October 18. Since then, I’ve had to wear a patch twice, and had two drags off of my roommate’s cigarette, but that’s not bad. I’m nearing on two months, and that’s a definitely positive thing. I’d like to be around for my nieces and nephews for as long as possible.

I shouldn’t be thinking negatively about the surgery. I am hoping that the stem cells will help heal me in a way that I can’t truly fathom right at this moment. I’m really trying to keep up the face that “This is going to work! I’m going to be ok, and help pioneer a new era in medicine!!!” but it’s truly difficult. It’s no secret that I’m just generally full of anxiety, but this one has me on edge. The closer I get to the date, the more jittery I get.

I know I can get through the surgery. I’m terrified of the pain, and how the doctors will help me deal with it. Let me tell ya - any surgery near the brown eye hurts like hell. You never realize how often you reflexively clench those muscles, but it’s often. I wish that we didn’t have such an opioid epidemic, because with my issues, those are really the only thing that I can take that works (although I was given an OxyContin for the first time during the first Exam Under Anesthesia and I can see why it’s abused, but it was a *huge* help to me).

I’m jittery right now just thinking about it, and there’s no physical reason *to* be jittery (no soda, not a lot of coffee, etc).

Keep your fingers crossed for me. I really want to be a part of this group.  

I want to leave a legacy, even if I am just a number.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo