Sisyphus

This blog isn’t only to talk about *just* my crohn’s. It’s to deal with my mental issues as well, and I’ve been having a doozy.

Except...y'know, my hair is multicolored. But you get the idea.
First of all, as many of you know - I’ve moved. This is a positive, but still a strain, a getting used to. Everything has been going along swimmingly, and I’m finding myself quite comfortable and most importantly supported.


Then I get some hits in the gut. I’ve been dealing with a financial blow that I’m still working on. I had some terrible news where it came to my surgery (it’s been canceled, but I’m not ready to talk about it). I still have my colonoscopy coming up this month (hooray!) Then I get a familial 1-2 punch in the jaw that I was not expecting, and am having an incredibly hard time dealing with.


I realize that my family loves me, but I don’t think that negates my black sheep status. When I find out even more have this...astonishing opinion on me, it’s beyond hurtful and I’m having trouble absorbing it/coming to terms with it. I realize it’s fresh, and things with eventually smooth out, but they lost an ally forever. With their intolerance while begging for tolerance just...shut me down completely.


Apologies are hollow at this point and will be felt to be coerced. I’m not interested. Learn your lesson about burning one of your biggest allies.  

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My Daughter's Gift

Image
I knew that she was a girl. I didn’t need a doctor to tell me, I could hear her voice. She already had a name, Lila Grace, named - in part - after her amazing cousin, Grace Ann. And I knew, the second I saw a pink spot of blood, that I had lost her. Just writing that sentence, even now, even six years later, brings me to tears. I don’t know what kind of mother I would have been to little Lila, being that I went through my own mini hell in the past six years. I don’t know why she was taken from me, but I’ve been through the whole list - her body was broken, her father and I aren’t together anymore and what kind of life would that have been for her?, something wasn’t right, *I* am not the best genetic contributor, etc, etc, ad nauseum . It’s pointless to wonder and to beat myself up, but guess what? I do it endlessly. It’s my fault and I killed my baby. With crohn’s. That was my daughter’s gift. Awareness. It's about to get real, y'all. I knew that whateve
Read more

Nerves of Incapacitation

Image
So...as a ton of you know, I’m having my second surgery on December 15. I’m terrified. Normally, surgery doesn’t scare me. It used to, but I’ve had *so* many since 2009 as well as colonoscopies (which you’re essentially asleep for) that I’m accustomed to the process. Honestly? I can’t even *tell* you how many of each I’ve had at this exact moment, without serious thinking about it. Brain damage, what can I say? I’m not actually scared of the process - that’s not unknown territory - but I’m scared that the procedure will *fail*. I’m still having issues that have been going on fairly steadily since June of 2015...WARNING: GROSS ADMISSION AHEAD…… Don't say I didn't warn you... Still with me? Ok. The seton (rubberband) is in place to keep the wound open, because if there’s still pus being produced, it would just start the whole process over again when they would sew shut the abscess/fistula; the pus would collect, with intense, mind
Read more

Colonosco-Nightmare

Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…. I’ve been sitting on (hahahahaha butt jokes) a version of this post for some time. I’ve gone through a nice little run-through of all the emotions in the past four months, thus my blog silence. I’ve also been writing elsewhere, and no, you can’t read it (yet). A friend of mine nailed it on the head, first guess - I’m looking at you, Kelly - but I’m not going to talk about it and that delay - it’s totally not worth the blog space. Not even close. Instead, we’re going to go over the fact that January 24th marks my SIXTH colonoscopy. Stop and absorb that. 1 2 3 4 5 SIXTH. FRIGGING. COLONOSCOPY.  I’m 37, y’all. I do not want to hear ANYONE complaining about getting one. GET IT DONE. The reason for this one (other than the fact that crohn’s patients usually average a colonoscopy a year, and I didn’t get one done last year - score) is to check for active disease, because things have been...well, acting up
Read more