I'm Not Inhaling, Though

Oh, this is always the fun part. I hope the sarcasm is loud and clear.

As I’ve said multiple times, due to sensitivities that cause my guts to bleed, I can’t really take anything for my pain other than Tylenol and percocet/oxycodone. I mean, they’ve given me much, MUCH stronger stuff during surgeries/stays in the hospital, but that’s what I come home with. I’ve been on some form of oxycodone since October. This is the third time in my life that I have had to come off of this drug. All three times I was on the drug more or less six months before everything was under control/I realized I was using it for emotional pain as well/I realized that I was going through withdrawal symptoms when I didn’t medicate on a schedule. I would be sitting here on my bed, running a low-grade fever, nose running uncontrollably, completely covered with goosebumps...before the slow, dawning realization that I *wasn’t* actually experiencing the flu, I was experiencing withdrawal.

It doesn't matter who you are; you're sexy when you're sick. 

Email to my surgical nurse with my titration schedule to come off the drug. The minute I realized that there was a dependence going on I knew it needed to stop, pain or not. That’s the fucked-up thing about opioids - your brain is *telling* you that you’re in pain, you desperately need these drugs donotcutusoff!!!  I need to figure out something else to help me get through the pain, and I’ve been practicing these things for the inevitable: using aromatherapy, using deep-breathing exercises, using forms of relaxation techniques. Sometimes they work, sometimes my demon just laughs at me good-naturedly while I deal with pain that reaches inside my bones and threatens to take up permanent residence, even though the rational side of my brain tries to reassure me that I *will* survive this. Many many people have survived opiate addiction, and mine isn’t even close to the worst.

I go to my surgical appointment. The surgeon sits down and explains to me that it sucks that I’m still experiencing pain, but he will not be the one babysitting me through my titration, and I need to get ahold of my regular doctor. In fact, *he* would prefer to get ahold of my regular doctor, because while he thinks that my titration schedule is a good one and reasonable, he is too far away to monitor me, and since he’s the surgeon not the pain specialist, he doesn’t feel comfortable doing it from 3 hours away.

He gives my doctor a call. On a Thursday. Had I thought about it for ten seconds, I could have told him that Thursday is my doctor’s day off. So he gives me a five-day prescription and sends me home. I call my doctor’s office the minute I get home, and one of the nurses call me back - they all know what’s been going on with me. Scheduling can’t get me in until the 29th (!!!), so we’re kinda spitballing about what to do. She also informs me that one of the days in the near future, he’s rounding at an old folk’s home, and that takes all day. I figure out later that it’s Friday, because I hear nothing from him until first thing Monday morning, when he works me in on Tuesday (whatta guy!).

I’m not sure what he’s going to do, but I hope he’s going to help me. He was the doctor who mostly monitored my second titration come-down. He’s going to yell at me and probably give me a bunch of “I-told-you-so’s”, because he did, indeed, tell me so. But I still have an aching open wound. What am I supposed to do?? I know that this country has a serious problem with these drugs, but I’ve never lied to my medical team about my use, and I’ve never sought these drugs out on the street, or their equivalents. I realize that that’s not much of a good thing, but all of my use has been doctor-monitored, filled by the same 2 pharmacies (one in Wisconsin, the other in Minnesota, and Mayo-affiliated). I *always* use Mayo doctors, I always fill at the same pharmacy at home, I’m as transparent as possible.

If I'm gonna tell on Mayo, might as well tell on Walgreens, too.

...Well - I built that up kinda further than it was, but I still had to sign a contract with my doctor. I’m not really all that concerned about the contract, although it says that he will perform urinalysis (which I told him upfront that I would fail), the only thing that will show up is drugs that I have a prescription for at the levels that they prescribe them at, and marijuana. My levels *cannot* be that high, although I have used small amounts of it daily for years. I think - with me being a fat girl - it would take at least six months of absolutely no smoking before I completely cleaned out. AND after that six months if I started melting off my fat, I think I would end up testing positive.

It loves you so much it wants to stay with you always, like your ex-gf. 

It’s NATURAL. IT OCCURS IN THE BODY. WTF?!?

The last time I was discharged from the hospital, the doctor walked in and said “How are you feeling, Ms. Harden?” to which I replied, “Well, I’m ok I guess, but I’d rather go home so I can smoke a little bud.” He immediately started nodding and said, “I would rather have you smoke marijuana than take half the drugs on your list, including oxycodone.”

These tiny, dangerous....things.

I told my doctor about this. He told me that if I didn’t stop smoking, he wouldn’t treat me. He is *convinced* that people lace marijuana with methamphetamine. I'm not kidding. For the record, I smoke <3.5g/week, and anyone who knows weed can tell you that that isn’t all that much at all, especially considering I *should* be trying to use it for medical purposes. I could replace a large portion of the prescriptions that I am on to use a natural drug. (The list of pharmaceutical drugs I take *just* squeezes onto a regular sheet of paper.)

Local doc approves of my titration plan, and had emailed with the surgeon. At first he was a bit confused as to where we were, and I said 5mg 4x day, and then at the end of this week go to 5mg 3x day for two weeks. He acknowledged that it’s slow, but could also see that I was miserable. I told him that my plaques broke out in a fiery symphony of pain while I had to walk around Mayo Rochester this last time (stress??). Who knows why.

Going through withdrawal is the worst. They could give me drugs like methadone or suboxone (I’ve read - my doctor did not offer these to me and I sure as shit did not ask), but I don’t think that I’m that bad, and I’ve been able to come off of 60mg per day. There are people online that take double that amount (!!!) trying to come off of it cold turkey (!!!!!!). I’ve used my slow-but-sure titration plan, and it was just fine. I’ve had some miserable days so far, and I know there are more to come, but it’s better than cold turkey! The closest thing that I can relate it to is the flu - and I know it’s not the actual flu because I got my shot back in October.  ;)

I try to stay hydrated, but watch out during sneezing fits, as it’s likely to come back to greet you in an urgent manner. As I’ve said, lots of fun.

Don't even act like you don't need 'em. YOU WILL.

Some days I don’t get out of bed and just try to ignore the feeling of my bones hurting, and Preston takes care of me. He brings me coffee and ice water before he goes to work. Usually by the time I realize that he’s brought me coffee, it’s cold, but I still drink it. I’m so blessed to have someone like him - he really takes care of me. He knows when I’m in too much pain to walk, even talk. He just told me tonight of days that I speak only a sentence or two, and it blows my mind. I know they happen, but I’m in such a haze I can’t control what’s going on.

Thank God for amazing roommates. I don’t know what I’d do without him, and he was certainly a gift to me. I did something right to have him watch over me. And through all of this? Is still changing my bandages, a minimum of once a day. That's right - I still have an open wound, that I'm supposed to tell the surgeon about....today? Monday? I have no idea. He said he would do something for me, and like Jen said "cutters will cut"....I don't want any more surgeries. What the hell can possibly be done for it?? It makes me nervous....



xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo